Fiction Friday Follow up

Last Friday I took part in Fiction Friday for the second time.  The prompt was that a wife forgot her husband’s birthday 9 years in a row.  On the 10th birthday he snaps.  My (UNEDITED) story is here.

RoseyPosey29 said she’d like to hear it from the wife’s POV.  So… as I like a challenge, I wrote it.  Again I’ve not edited it, and it was written in about 5 minutes.  Here’s Suze’s account of Jim’s birthday:

Suze watched Tim walk out the room and felt her heart breaking just a little bit.  She knew it would be worth it in an hour, but the hurt he’d be feeling until he walked back downstairs felt like it could crush her.        

She pulled herself together quickly, there was so much to do.  She knew she had about 15 minutes before he came back downstairs to go, he would think, to work. 

Her mobile buzzed, it was Frank, he must be outside.  Quickly she ran to the bottom of the stairs, there was no sign of movement upstairs so she opened the front door quietly. 

Frank and three of Tim’s co-workers were at the front; Tim’s sister, niece and parents were behind them; and at the back were Sharon and Mike and Tina and Jerry.  Quickly she ushered them all in to the lounge, being careful to shut the front door silently, then the lounge door behind her. 

In the short time they’d had, Tim’s friends and family had put up a huge amount of decorations.  You couldn’t fail to notice it was Tim’s 40th.  There were banners on each wall, ‘40’ balloons floating round the floor, a massive cake with a 3d ‘40’ in the middle made by his sister and a couple of posters featuring Tim as a baby and child – with 40 printed at the top.

Jerry walked up to her.

‘Thank you so much for reminding me, I couldn’t have lived with myself if I’d created that sadness another year.  It just broke my heart watching the realisation hit him that I’d forgotten AGAIN.  I had to stop myself from telling him that I’d remembered.’

‘No problem.  He doesn’t suspect then?’

‘Definitely not.  In fact he thinks I’m the worst wife in the world right now.  He’s probably upstairs now planning on leaving me.’

Something made her turn towards the door.  She saw Tim there with a puzzeled look on his face.  She saw the penny drop…

‘SURPRISE!’

What do you think?

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4 thoughts on “Fiction Friday Follow up

  1. I like it 🙂

    My thoughts though would be: –

    1. The story only stands up if you have read the previous one – it doesn’t have the same twist in the tale that gave Tims perspective the added certain something.

    2. the first few paragraphs suggested to me, when trying to read it without previous story context, that maybe she was sleeping with Frank. that would be a great twist! Make it sound like she was waiting for her husband to get out the way so she could see Frank, when in actual fact she was planning a birthday party…da da duh!

    Just read through what i wrote above and it sounds negative – i don’t mean it to be! I did like it, and it gave Tims story extra depth.

    Keep it up!

  2. Don’t worry about sounding negative, I need negative comments, I’ll never improve if I don’t hear both the good and bad bits. Having said that though, it is intended to be read after Tim’s perspective.

    I love your idea of a twist to the story… I might work on that a little more. Or, do the same from Frank’s perspective… ooh, now you’ve got me thinking!

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