Fiction Friday #151

Yay, it’s Friday again, which can only mean one thing… Fiction Friday over at Write Anything.  Today’s prompt is:

While digging in a cereal box for the toy surprise, a child makes a grisly discovery.

My story goes like this.  Don’t forget… it’s completely unedited.  I’ve not even read through it yet. 

         ‘Just be careful, digging round like that you’ll spill the cereal on the floor.’ She looked over at Tommy and realised her words were in vain, there were Flinstones Boulders spilling out of the box and on to the table.  No doubt they were falling on the floor. 

          ‘Tommy!’  She rushed over to try and save some of them. 

          ‘Don’t mummy.  I’ve got it.  Although it’s kind of round, not flat like it should be.’  Tommy wriggled his arm out of the box – knocking many more Boulders to the floor in the process. Jill decided to wait until he finished before she started the clean up operation.  He was just like his father. 

          ‘Ooh Mummy, Mummy.  It’s a marble.’ By this time Jill had turned back to the counter to make her breakfast – dry toast was all she was able to manage at the moment, she couldn’t wait for the morning sickness to be over.

          ‘It’s a big marble.  But what’s this attached to it?’ Jill turned round and screamed.  For a second she was paralysed before realising her son was still holding it.  She lent over the table to knock it out of Tommy’s hand.  It dropped to the table then danced to the floor. 

          ‘Mummy!’ Tommy shouted and started struggling to get out his seat.

          ‘NO!’ she screamed at him and ran round to his side of the table.  Without another word she grabbed him out his seat and ran towards the door.  Before they could get out the door David walked through it, so they all collided. 

          ‘Umph.  What’s the hurry Jilly?’ he asked.  She pushed him aside and ran to the living room.  Putting Tommy down she indicated at the TV.

          ‘Go watch TV honey, I’ll bring your breakfast through in a minute.’

          Tommy’s eyes opened wide in amazement.

          ‘What?  I’m allowed to eat breakfast in front of the TV?’  She nodded.  He needed no encouragement, he scrambled away from her to get the remote off the coffee table. 

          Behind her, David was making funny faces.

          ‘Jill.  What’s up?  You never let him do that.  What’s the mad scramble?’

          Closing the lounge door behind her Jill bent over double and heaved.  Lucky she hadn’t had any breakfast yet, that would’ve been a waste. 

          David rubbed her back gently. 

          ‘Oh no, still the morning sickness?’  She heaved again then straightened up, shaking her head. 

            ‘There’s… There’s…’ she stuttered.  She couldn’t believe she was about to say these words.  They were going to sound ridiculous.  David put his arm round Jill and pulled her tight to him. 

          ‘Shhh…. Shhhh. It’s going to be ok.  Breathe.  It’s ok.’  But Jill knew it wasn’t ok.  She was terrified how that could have gotten in the cereal.  Terrified that her so had touched it.  At least he hadn’t known what it was.

          ‘Ready to talk yet?’

          ‘It’s… In the…’  she stuttered again pointing to the kitchen.  ‘On the floor…’

          She burst into tears.  David stroked her head, and manovered her towards the stairs.  When her sobs began to subside he gently sat her down.   

          ‘On the floor?’ He asked.  She nodded in reply, starting to sob again. 

          David turned back to the kitchen.  He thought maybe it was a big spider, although her reaction to them wasn’t usually that severe. 

          Sat on the stairs Jill stopped crying, but realised she was shaking.  She wondered if she should call the police.  No I’ll let David handle it

          She couldn’t get the image of the eye out of her mind. The worst thing about it had been the optical chord still being attached.  Tommy had been holding it so the pupil was looking at her as she turned around. 

          She retched again.  Then puzzled turned to the kitchen door.  Was that laughing she heard? Maybe David hadn’t found it.  It was bouncing quite a bit when it left the table.  Maybe he though she was freaking out at the mess.

          ‘Did you find it?  Amongst the cereal?  It may have moved.’  The noise stopped she could’ve sworn it was laughing.  Maybe it came from the TV and she was hearing things wrong as she was so freaked out. 

          ‘Got it.  Wow.’  David shouted back from the kitchen.  ‘What do you think we should do?’

          ‘Call the police!’  He popped his head round the door. 

          ‘You think?’

          ‘David.  Our four year old son just found an eye in his cereal box.  Yes I think we should call the police.’         

          ‘And what do you think we should tell them?’  Jill was exasperated with him.  What did he think they should say?  She turned her palms to the ceiling and shrugged. 

          ‘Jill honey.’  He was smiling.  She wondered what was wrong with him, how could he be smiling.  ‘They’ve changed the treats in the cereal.’ She looked at him and shrugged again.  ‘Tommy was probably looking for a sticker set?’  She nodded, thinking he was missing the point.  There was an eye in there, the present was unimportant. 

          ‘It’s near Halloween…’ he started before the penny dropped.  There wasn’t a human eye in the cereal, it was a disgustingly realistic toy eye. 

I know I went down the predictable body part line.  But I couldn’t help it.  I first thought of a finger, then a huge dead spider… but once the idea of an eye came to me, I had to go with it.  Even if it made me feel distinctly sick myself when I thought of it.  The idea it was a toy ony came to me when it was almost finished, I think if it had have been a real eye, the piece would have been too long for this.  Especially as I’m still working on the ending to last week’s time travelling piece. 

Hope you enjoy it, and it’s not too predictable.  Personally I think it is, but I hope I’m wrong.  As always, please let me know what you think – even negative comments, I can handle them.  No really, I can 🙂

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Fiction Friday #151

  1. I liked it and didn’t think it was too predictable. I had a feeling that this weeks theme was going to be body parts, so I was running down the list of possibilities of something round in the cereal. You shook the idea out of my head when you say there was something attached to it. When you told us the optical nerve was still attached, it all clicked into place.

    This week was tough. I think most people viewed the prompt in the same manner and the thought of a body part popped into mind.

    I liked it
    -Walt

  2. What really works for me in this piece is leaving the object unnamed for quite some time, allowing the characters’ reactions to drive the narrative forward. And then having the misinformation played out for a good laugh.
    I think you’re right in saying that the prompt left itself open to all manner of bodily spare parts, but therein lies the joy of reading some interesting twists. Walt’s piece had a great unique twist on the prompt.
    Good characterisation, too.
    Adam

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s