Fiction Friday – My Husband Doesn’t Know

I really didn’t want to play today. I’m tired, hungover, pretty sad and didn’t feel like I had any motivation to do it. Thanks Adam for the encouragement… it helped.

Today’s prompt for [Fiction] Friday from Write Anything is: “My husband doesn’t know, but he will soon.” The first, unedited, version of my story goes a little like this:

My husband doesn’t know yet, but he will soon. Right now he’s happy, he thinks everything’s fine and going to be fine forever.

My husband doesn’t know yet, but he will soon. He’s at home now, cooking dinner. He’s cooking our favourite, Shepherds Pie. He puts his own little twist on it, and puts a layer of spinach between the meat and the potato. He won’t eat it when he finds out. In fact he’ll never make or eat it again; just the thought of it will remind him of this day.

My husband doesn’t know yet, but he will soon. He thinks I’m at the school right now picking up our little one. He’s looking forward to seeing us, because he’s been away for a few nights on business. He won’t be doing that again for a while.

My husband doesn’t know yet, but he will soon. He’s finished the pie and it’s in the oven cooking. He’s got himself a beer, and poured a glass of wine for me. He’ll regret doing that shortly, when he finds out. At some point in the evening he’ll throw it against a cupboard. The mess it makes on the floor will stay there for a few days until his mother comes to visit and cleans it up.

My husband doesn’t know yet, but he will soon. He’s looking at the clock, wondering where we are. We should’ve been home five minutes ago. I’m usually really punctual, but he’ll presume I stopped for something, maybe wine, maybe some sweets for the kid – a Friday treat.

My husband doesn’t know yet, but he will soon. He’s just seen the police car pull up outside the house. He watches them get out the car and put their hats on as they approach the house. He’s wondering what they want. He doesn’t know, but he will soon.

‘Mr Jameson,’ the taller policeman says to my husband as he opens the door to them. ‘I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but your wife and daughter have been in an accident…’

I actually found this quite hard to write, in fact in my sad old mood I was quite close to tears a couple of times writing it, cause I knew where it was going. Silly emotional me.

I toyed with a couple of ideas before this one came to me, the unfaithful wife, the kid that was in trouble at school, but this one shouted the loudest. I think also cause I’m sad I wanted to write something sad – but I don’t know if it reads being sad – I think it does, but am not sure.

Please, please let me know what you think.

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8 thoughts on “Fiction Friday – My Husband Doesn’t Know

  1. Wow, totally didn’t expect that ending. It seemed to be building to a “Dear John” point, but this is a much, much better sting than I anticipated. great short story. The repetition and slow, careful tone makes me think this would make a great spoken-word song – there’s something very 1960s/70s in tone about the way you pulled it together. Love it.

    (I can totally imagine this as an Incredible String Band number)

  2. I like how you created a before and after with this piece, how the husband’s mundane actions take on significance from that moment on. Well done — it looks like your sad mood was a good muse today. Funny, I actually thought your first two sentences in your intro was the start of your story! Glad you participated.

  3. Good to see you jumped in and wrote something. This works really well and has a good flow to it. It has a rhythmic quality to it that I like, almost like a heartbeat as it comes to the end. I also like the inversion of expectation; waiting for the moment that the wife abandons her husband to be revealed it is an accident. Well crafted. Keep on pencilling.

  4. Awhh, I’m sorry to hear you’re so sad but really glad you posted. Preferring to write poetry myself, I really liked the rhythm and repetition to this piece, it reads almost like a piece of poetry at the start of each paragraph. I have to admit I honestly thought she was going to tell her husband that she was leaving so I liked the twist on the end. I like the way you’ve described doing the usual mundane stuff and touched on how that totally changes and takes on a completely different significance if it’s associated with something life changing. I enjoyed reading it and I think I’ll have to have a go at this writing exercise now! I’ve been a terrible person in not coming on here in a month- very, very bad!! I’ve really tried to motivate myself but I somehow keep coming up with excuses not to write! But, it’s a new month now and I’ve got a bit of motivation since this morning I woke up to discover a bottle of champagne had been delivered to my door because my poem had been chosen as one of the top 50 in an anthology I’d been published in! I’ve never received anything like that before, so I’m very pleased!! So, I’m now feeling like maybe I can do this writing thing after all!!
    Hope you feel less sad soon 🙂

  5. Excellent job! When I saw your comment on my entry I kind of knew where it was going but you did a great job with the flow and suspense of the story.

    I enjoyed the way you commented on all of the husbands mundane activities and noted how each and every one of them would bring back memories of the day hos wife and daughter were in an accident (and presumably killed).

    again, good stuff!

  6. it was a nice work………ya it did make me a bit of emotional kind…..but one thing i wanted to know……..whhy did uu begin every para with the same statement…..do lemme know how cm this idea appear to u…….

  7. Thanks everyone for your comments, my mum told me once that when you’re really feeling something your writing is often better – so maybe the sadness is good at the moment, for my writing at least.

    Rose – Congrats on being named top 50 – that’s wicked.

    Sunny – I don’t really know why I thought to do it that way, it was just something that came to me as I was writing it, it felt right to have the repetition in it.

  8. Pingback: Too Much for Twitter « Newtowritinggirl's Blog

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