The reason today sucked so much is partly down to a phone conversation I had yesterday, although I didn’t realise it until late on today.
Late morning, I realised I made a pretty serious mistake at work. A mistake that meant one of our clients didn’t have water for hours. The reason I made the mistake was that I’ve been so bogged down with work over the last few weeks that I didn’t realise the importance of an email. It’s all sorted now, but I still felt really rubbish about it and I’ve made our company look bad. Damn.
I had lunch and during my lunch hour I was planning on editing either the first chapter of Italian Infatuation (again? I know!) or a short story I wrote for Fiction Friday last week. This would have filled two goals – 1 – I would have something to read tonight at my writing group, and 2 – it would be my daily goal for A Round of Words. But I felt so rubbish about the mistake I made that I couldn’t concentrate. So I decided I’d do it after work.
After work I was feeling even worse and couldn’t get into doing anything. So there I was, an hour before my writing group, and nothing to read, and really feeling like I should go home instead. So I did.
I’m glad I did (I don’t think I could have taken any criticism without crying) but at the same time, it would have only been my second visit, and I didn’t make it so I’m a little annoyed with myself. But it means that I HAVE to do some editing. I need to go next week, and I need to go with something to read. So every cloud has a silver lining I guess, this will MAKE me do some editing before Monday – maybe a first as I usually leave things until the last-minute.
How does this relate back to yesterday you may ask? Well, while I was on the phone to my mum, she asked how my job was going – apparently I was stressed a few weeks ago with all the work I had on. No change there then! Then, she didn’t exactly say it like this, but I kind of took what she said as her asking why the hell I’m doing what I’m doing now when I used to work on reception and spend all my time writing. And since I’ve had a ‘real’ job (I’m not knocking receptionist at all – just where I worked it was D.E.A.D.) I’ve done no writing (except NaNo and although that was huge, it was only in November).
I used to spend at least an hour a day writing. Actually, I don’t know if I really did. Sometimes I did. When I was on a roll I did. But I think I spent most of my time tweeting and blogging. All writing related things though. And now I do nothing.
That conversation stayed with me, and I guess it’s kind of made me question why I’m doing what I’m doing. Especially after this huge mistake. A year ago I did virtually nothing as a day job, but felt like more of a writer. I felt more integrated with the online writing community. Now I feel like I’m sat on the outside looking in.
But, that’s my fault. I say I have no time to write and blog and read other blogs and edit and it all, but during this ROW80, I’m going to prove to myself that I do have time. I just need to take that step and start.
Besides, my job a year ago isn’t there any longer, so I couldn’t still be doing it even if I wanted to. If I had have taken another reception job, I may have been greeting people, answering phones etc, not writing or editing a novel like I was. I was just lucky. Very lucky.
I’m sure I’m only temporarily feeling down – I’ll go back to normal tomorrow, or the next day.
Maybe when I do some writing or editing… Like I’m about to do!