Fiction Friday #200 – Friday 8th April

Today’s prompt from the good people over at Write Anything is:

Use this phrase “Looks can be deceiving” as your prompt of theme.

Prompt? That sounds like a first line to me. Here’s my (unedited) story:

‘Looks can be deceiving,’ he said to me when I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I shrugged, it didn’t look like there could be anything deceiving about her, she looked so – innocent. Not my usual type at all, dirty and slutty were the normal attributes I looked for in a woman, but the innocence was hot as hell.

She had long blond hair, so blonde it was almost white, so long it almost reached her bum. She was very petit, and short – much shorter than Wendy and the other girls she was with. Her flat shoes against their skyscrapping heels exaggerated it. While the rest of them had skirts short enough to reveal they were only wearing thongs, hers was almost knee-length. Her top almost came up to her neck.

Nothing about her was anything I was usually attracted to in a woman. And yet…

‘Well, whatever she’s hiding I’d like to find out. Especially if it’s hidden under her clothes.’

 

Three months later I knew Mac had been wrong. Faye was just as pure and innocent as she looked, and it was driving me, and my not so little man, mad.

‘Still no sex?’ Mac asked one night in the pub when the girls had gone to the loo. I looked down at my beer bottle to see the label in shreds on the table.

‘Mate, I can’t even begin to tell you…’

‘Yeah, but that goal by Revello…’ I looked up at him.

‘Revello? Who…’

‘I know, and just before half time,’ he interrupted me again. ‘I couldn’t believe it.’

‘Oh god,’ Wendy’s voice snuck up on me. I span round to see her and Faye standing there looking like they wanted to run away. ‘Faye they’re talking about football.’

Faye was wearing a tight low-cut dress that was pretty daring for her, and making me want to run away too…only with her. She grinned at me, and I noticed her lips looked brighter than usual. Of course she looked different, she was wearing make-up. Not like Wendy was – plastered all over her face like a five-year old raiding her mum’s make-up bag for the first time – but subtly. A touch of lipstick and probably some more. God knows what, but it was making her look radiant.

She swiveled my legs round and sat on my knee.

‘Well, lets stop them talking about football then shall we?’ She planted her lips ever so gently on mine, sending sparks through my whole body – especially to my pants. It took everything I had in me not to throw her on the table and get down to it there.

But, as I’d been proving to her for the three months prior, I respected her. If she wanted to wait, then wait we would.

 

If only we’d waited longer. Just ten minutes longer would have been better. Just in time to get in the flat and get a condom. But it was romantic – our midnight picnic in the park two weeks later. And we were drunk. She wanted to try it there and then and I was gagging so badly I couldn’t think straight.

People never get pregnant their first time do they? I mean really. Why me? Why us?

Everyone warned us we were too young – not even in our second years at university. They warned us but we wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t have had an abortion anyway, her morals were way too high for that. Could I? I don’t know. Maybe.

Now look at us. Council house. Two kids and another on the way. Me out of work, her unable to work at eight months gone. We just couldn’t afford another one. We couldn’t afford the ones we had.

I look down at my two daughters and at Faye and at the bright crimson puddles of blood around them, growing by the second across the beige carpet and realise that no, if I can do this now, five years ago, an abortion probably wouldn’t have been so hard for me…

I had no idea where this was going until it went there. I just started writing. I kind of like the idea of the ending, but I’m not all that impressed with the way it’s written. But, it is just a first draft – and it is totally different for me, I’m not too big on deaths in my stories, especially not murders. Having said that, I’m kind of tempted to add another paragraph where he kills himself too. Maybe it doesn’t need it, I don’t know.

What do YOU think? Please let me know.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Fiction Friday #200 – Friday 8th April

  1. Great twist at the end! I hadn’t heard of this challenge but this is a great prompt. I might give it a try today if I get time.

    It’s a nicely written piece, easy to follow and the POV is great.

    • I know I’ve said it on Twitter and your blog, but I’m so glad you tried it yourself. I feel a little proud that my link showed you something that I hope will become great fun for you!

  2. I felt shocked but in a good way! I thought it was leading to something raunchy so it definately had the element of surprise!

  3. Creepy story which is always a good thing to come across. I like how simple bits made the whole story that much darker at the end. The ending is great because he is probably right but that whole hindsight is always 20/20 really hits home there.

  4. That was a shocking twist at the end. I like the way you compared it to abortion. There’s a whole nest of moral questions involved there. And that’s a good question — let him commit suicide and end it there, or stay to face the consequences.

    • As soon as the idea came to me, I knew he was going to kill himself after everyone else, and I kind of presumed everyone else would see that… but that’s not the case. Maybe it would be interesting leaving it here, with him still alive… would give more questions to the reader (always a good thing I think!)

      I’ve not looked at your goals yet for ROW80, did you get to count your story today in it?

  5. Wow…that was unexpected. Here I was, thinking it was going to be a fairy tale happy ending, so my congratulations for doing such a good job at not giving us any clue as to what was to come.
    Personally, I’d leave it there, without him killing himself or maybe, he could be remembering this as he is already in jail? However, it works just fine as it is. Well done.

  6. Helen – I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I’m a little bit mad. Nice job! I love writing that evokes strong emotion. One of the things I struggle with is holding back. Thanks for your comments over at my blog, I have responded there re: Chelsea’s speech. Cheers Tanya.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s